I have only 20 entries for 2009.


i have lost my mojo.

i'm dying from the pain i'm feeling in my mid-section, or whatever you call tht part that hurts when you have your period. i'm feeling restless and dizzy and sleepy and like i can't keep myself from throwing up.

i hate feeling like this.

i'm feeling crappier since i have to work and get out at exactly 6pm to pick up the cake i've reserved at SM north for my sister's 24th wedding anniversary.

i really need to sleep! haven't slept at all this weekend since i had to go a drive my niece around.

Lord, please help me to get through today.

ok, i don't hate the rain that much, i kinda like it, come to think of it. it's relaxing and soothing and  i especially love lightning, its really beautiful, the way you see this wonderful light strike across the sky...

it's the walking in the rain and splashing dirt all over my pants that i hate.

really, how pathetic can i be, i don't know how to walk under the rain. as much as i try to carefully go through it, i always end up with my pants wet, sometimes even up to my ankles. i have tried different ways of walking but nothing works.

so. this is one of those things i need to find a cure for.

Saturday.
Finished book. Had fun with my godchild and her parents and another friend, where we discussed future tattoo endeavors at a much,much lower price. brought them home and smoked two sticks while eating buko ice cream. did report.

sunday.
went to Sm, bought a lot of vcds. bought two shirts. paid card billing. talked to ryan on the phone, found out he finally got me the godfather movies. saw 2 more movies.did report.

monday.
brought my mother to the hospital for check up. helped bag items in our garage sale. took the car for a wash. started "Water for elephants". Started Dexter marathon.

tuesday.
went back to work. hell.


***
oh yeah, most probably gonna get mermaid tattoo this year now that Jay-R told us about his tat shop.

3 more days and its vacation time for us! so happy!! i can finally get some much needed sleep since my supposedly vacation time in quezon turned out to be a very long therapy and drinking session with ryan.

yeah, him again, what the hell, it was fun talking to him though, we covered things like napoleon bonaparte, north and south korea and the world's most expensive car which went like a guessing game.

and it was kind of weird coz he always wanted to know where i'm going. it was impossible to just leave him, and if i did, he would follow... it's like taking care of a kid. jeez.

but it was... nice.... stupid to feel like that but i did. so.. yeah.. stupid ej.. here we go again.

As much as i would like to do this every single day of my life to unburden my chest, i find it very difficult to form coherent sentences about what i'm feeling.

i am numb. that's about it. and i like feeling like that because i'm tired of feeling sad and lonely and just bursting into tears. the past couple of months, my life had been revolving about him and i'm pretty sure everyone's tired of hearing it over and over again. but i can't help it. he's all i've been thinking about and for some reason, being this stupid and masochistic never makes me learn.

so what if he calls once in a blue moon, i hate how my heart leaps and bursts into fireworks when i hear his voice, my mood suddenly changes and i cant help but smile at the thought that i'm actually talking to him. and even though life sucks and everything seems to be getting into trouble, his voice makes me happier and life seems better all of a sudden. i am so pathetic, reading this and thinking about the part on top makes me want to slap myself. When will i ever learn? am i supposed to be like this for the rest of my life? what if i never get over him, does that mean i have to spend eternity wishing for something that's not real? am i to live in an imagined world where he cares about me the way i want him to be?

i hate myself and as much as i want to hate him...

i just can't.

seems like everything's fucked up again. i dreamt about him last night and it was this really weird set up. why the fuck is he asking for advice in my dream, and to the craziest extent, it was, again like any other, about a girl he likes. so what now? he likes to torture me in my dreams too? for the love of everything holy, i wasn't thinking about him yesterday or the day before that, or even the whole week, why in the world did that dream happened??? this returns my whole damn thinking to confusion.

really, i know it's just a dream, but what the hell does it mean?

***
i saw Harry Potter and the Half blood prince last saturday with the family, it was weird and cool at the same time coz i spent money on my mom, it was my treat and it was nice.

anyway, the film was ok, although i was expecting some action in the end, coz i definitely know there was a battle in that scene. but it was nice, i love Helena Bonham Carter, she is the best bet for Bellatrix anytime, her weirdness is just like so natural.. but it was weird seeing harry and ginny, they don't look good together, i mean, look at ron and hermione, rupert and emma look good together...

i have to wait another year for the last film and i've been told its gonna be in two parts. this is the worst, waiting.. since the last one will probably be the best of all seven films.

***

i finished twilight yesterday. i was just reading and i finished the whole thing in one day. now, i have to buy New Moon coz i have to know what happens next. crap. i'm gonna be broke again. but it's nice to read the whole story, finally some questions when i saw the film got answered.

i now love edward cullen more.  and having a crush on a fictional 17-year-old vampire isn't really creepy. Especially when you picture him looking like robert pattinson. hah!

and yes, i apologize to livejournal for not making use of my-so-called journal. i had lots of things to do and updating wasnt really on my priority list, although believe me when i say, i have been dying to get back here.

this week is really hellish since its MOR time, i stayed for an additional 4 hours last tuesday and went to work at around 7 am the next, just so i can finish all my reports, something that i have to prepare but i dont have to explain to the general manager. yep. i am the data person, i strive with cost comparison and price analysis just so my manager can spend her whole day trying to update her sourcing status which actually doesn't have an update.

i am report slave, this is what i do, i try to sum up everything and hand it on a silver platter, and when my AVP doesn't like the format i used(which she insisted i use in the first place) i had to edit the whole thing, as if like magic, so i can just pass the things she wants an hour before the deadline.

i hate deadlines. seriously. they are a fucking pain in the ass, something that shouldn't have been invented.

but now, i've finally took a breather since we're done reporting and we're just waiting for the new plan so hell can start over.

***

Going to zambales this weekend with Angela, i do hope we'll have some fun. she promised that by hook or by crook, we will definitely go to the beach.

***

no news about him, no communication and i'm not gonna start. we talked for a really long time two weeks ago. that can last me a long time. and i'm proud of it.

i'm not missing him anymore.

***
Saw the special tribute of MTV to Michael Jackson last night, i'm saddened by how short his life was, it's not fair, he's such a great artist and there'e only a few of them who does what he did. and they're going to spend lifetimes before they can be compared to the king of pop. he will definitely be missed.

You rock my world is one of my favorite MJ songs,i actually have a version with Chris Tucker on my ipod, along with the Earth song, this is special because its a great song and we danced to it when i was in the sixth grade, i like this other one but i forgot the title, hehe, thriller ia another one too, there's actually a bunch of it that i can't remember right now.

i just wanted to write. i wanted to do some old school notebook thingy but i feel lazy and livejournal is already opening its doors on me.

***
everything is reminding me of him, and its driving me crazy. names, events, places. why wont someone just pull a gun to my head and end this misery.

it started with darline's picnic craving. yes picnic, his favorite snack, the one we've hunted in waltermart everytime he's got a craving, i even bought him the big can of the damn thing when i went to clark.

then i can't stop hearing the songs he liked. its like the stupid ipod's on a mission to make me insane.

then it was the dreaded waiting for his answer if he's coming to our little get-together because of thet's birthday.

then it was the dreaded waiting for him to arrive.

but hey-yo people!!! i felt just fine. i was ok, i didn't freak out like before, we talked like before, he told me things like before, basta... its the same lang, like what i told him never happened, its like he never found out.. that or he's got amnesia.. again.
but i'm so grateful that i'm ok na. i swear. ok.. there was a little thing about him being there and these non-stop questions from the guys and everything but hey, i can answer without feeling sucky and embarrassed. I"M finally OKAY!! i tell you, its great.

he's just a friend now. period.

and the best part of it all?? he was looking at me and had this weird look on his face when thet and i were talking about mr. fita.

yes. mission acomplished and 50 golden bonus points baby!!

weird part of the night: Edz texted me and told me something that i needed, how she knew, i have no idea. i love that girl. right timing always.

and i got really drunk but i didn't throw up!! i know its a little overshare but its an accomplishment!!

****
i've been re-reading some of my books right now, and its killing me that most of those books has this bestfriends-unrequited-love-with-each-other-and-finding-it-after-a-few-years kind of theme.

fuck it. i have got to stop hoping about that. and the finding that someone that easy is bull.

time, is but a fair-weathered friend. same with Fate.
i have to be-friend them again.